For a long time, I considered romantic love a distraction, a hindrance to ministry. I was determined to stay single in order to stay flexible and free (unless a convenient marriage option showed up that would not require me to change myself or my life too much). 2 years ago I tried crushing on an American woman but when she told me that she didn’t like me that way, I felt relieved. I then concluded that I didn’t like what infatuation did to me and decided that being single was much more peaceful and in line with who I am. Romantic relationships are for weak people is what I thought.

But last year in July I was talking to God, telling him that I wanted to stay single for him.

“Oh, you’re so smart,” I felt God say sarcastically, “you’ve got your life all figured out don’t you? Is this your plan or mine?”

“No, God. Please don’t say that. There’s too much nonsense with marriage, too many risks.”

“You’re single because you’re afraid you won’t be enough. You think you can’t love a woman and love me at the same time. Don’t you trust me? You won’t be divided, you’ll be multiplied.”

I reluctantly stored those words away in my heart. Up until now I couldn’t ever pray for my future spouse, it felt disingenuous because I didn’t feel that desire. I liked boasting in my singleness, I liked being a testimony that we don’t need romance. I hated that every Cambodian stranger always assumed that I was in Cambodia because I’m romantically interested in Cambodian women. I was determined to prove them wrong and show them that I’m above that and there’s more important things in life than romance and family.

I have always kept myself on guard and emotionless around women in order to ensure that none of them would ever develop feelings for me. I loathed the compliments and advances and could never really trust anyone, because how could any sane woman handle me or really want me for me? They would all ultimately be happier with someone else, I’m not cut out for romance, nor do I want to be.

Until Something Changed

My coworkers Amy and Thanak were having a new year’s party at their house and Thanak’s mom’s much younger cousin Lin (34F) asked me to help her with different tasks as she cooked for the hundred plus people. (She only speaks Khmer)

“I shouldn’t help her too much.” I said to myself, “I wouldn’t want her to think I like her. But you do like her. Yes, but she can never know that. Why can’t she know? Would it be so bad if she knew? She’s a fantastic hardworking woman with character and she loves Jesus and is both emotionally and mentally mature (you’ve seen her in her most difficult moments during the past 2 years), there’s no shame in liking her. After all, liking her doesn’t mean you have to marry her. She’s mature, you can trust her, no drama will happen.”

So I preceded to help her with various tasks and she kept calling on me. She insisted I have someone help me carry the giant pots of soup, but I did it by myself instead.

“She probably thinks I’m trying to impress her, but this is just how I normally do things. But even if she thinks I’m showing off for her, I’m oddly ok with that.” I said to myself.

She fed me a spoonful of the soup and asked me if it needed anything. Was she crushing on me too?

We both squatted down opposite each other to wash the rice; our hands accidentally touched, it felt like sin.

Later, one of the teenage girls saw my behaviour and she asked me in front of Lin if I had a girlfriend to which I mechanically replied that I had decided to stay single forever just like Charles. That was really hard to say because I felt myself falling for Lin, but I didn’t want to leave myself trapped or vulnerable.

“Everybody who says that usually gets married shortly after.” Said the girl.

“But I’m different, ok?” I said with a laugh trying to mask my feelings.

More things happened, and I started to think that she definitely knew that I liked her and that she probably liked me as well.

Texting

Lin lives 7 hours away from me, I only see her a couple times a year. So I messaged her to try to get to know her. Our conversation was dry and professional, there was no spark, so I told myself that maybe I didn’t really like her. But 4 months later I found myself drawn to her and so I thought and prayed about what to do.

We began to text each other in Khmer every night for a couple hours. After a week I confessed that I was interested in her. We became boyfriend girlfriend with the intention of getting to know each other’s hearts first before we committed to marriage. We grew closer and closer day by day.

We just got engaged last month and it was the first time I’ve held a woman’s hand like that. I have to remind myself that it’s ok to have feelings and that it’s ok to say sweet things and show affection, and that it’s ok to look at her and be near her. My heart is so full that I feel like it could explode at any moment.

I thought surely mushy feelings of love we’re just for other people and I’d be immune to its effects, but I was wrong. I’m just so satisfied to stare at her beautiful face and listen to her voice which speaks stories from her heart.

Like a dream

“It’s like a dream,” said Lin, “it doesn’t seem real. It’s so wonderful, like we’re the only two people on earth.”

“I feel the same way. I had no idea that romantic love was real, I just thought everyone was crazy or faking it.”

I keep having moments where I ask myself how I got here, and keep doubting that it’s real because for so long I’ve had my identity tied up in singleness thinking that that’s who I was.

“When you told me that you liked me, I was so nervous, embarrassed, and excited.” She told me, “I asked Thanak about you and he said that you’re a good man but that you’re a little weird. That made me so mad; I couldn’t accept that, so I pleaded for God to change you. And I’m glad to see that you’ve changed so much. Does it bother you that I did that?”

“No. I’m so thankful that you are a positive force for change in my life. Those old habits were things I had adopted in an effort to keep women away, and I don’t need that anymore. Jesus gave up everything for me, and he’s called me to love you with that same sacrificial love. All the paperwork, all the expense, all the changes, it’s nothing compared to what Christ has done.”

“You have no regrets then?” She asked.

“You are so beautiful, so perfect, so wonderful, that just a moment with you, my love, makes it all worth it.”

We plan on getting married in April next year.

Tommy Downs